Wolfcano Screenplay by Matt Graham Based on silly Internet bits inspired by "Sharknado" Copyright (c)2013, All Rights Reserved, Berne Convention etc. etc. FADE IN: INT. LABORATORY Two MAD SCIENTISTS in a laboratory, which is in a suburban strip mall. CLAYTON is tall and skinny and in charge, FRANK is short and fat and subordinate. CLAYTON I've got it! A wonderful idea. Use the Volcano Machine to infuse BEER into MAGMA! We'll create the world's first beer volcano! Frank looks skeptical. FRANK Are you sure this is going to work? CLAYTON What could possibly go wrong? Hop to it! INT. LAB MACHINE ROOM FRANK walks by a huge, complex device with spinning bits and flashing lights, and stands next to a set of shelves with rows of DVD-like cases on them. FRANK Where did he put the "beer" disc? FRANK reaches up to the highest shelf, standing on tiptoe. CLOSEUP SHELF We see several discs, labeled "Beer", "Wolf", "Salma Hayek", "Lasers", "Aardvark", and maybe other titles which the director might find amusing. FRANK pauses with fingers on the "Wolf" disc. FRANK Got it. FADE TO BLACK A title rushes forward from the darkness: Wolfcano The title dissolves. CUT TO: INT. LAB MACHINE ROOM FRANK inserts the disc into the complex machine. Lights flash. Things spin. Dramatic music happens. CUT TO: SCHEMATIC Drawings or 3D renderings show the Volcano Machine feeding pulses of energy to a nearby volcano. The magma reservoir under the volcano goes from dark red to yellow to white fairly quickly. CUT TO: EXT. VOLCANO - DAY Not far away from a medium-sized mountain. We hear deep rumbling noises, and the mountain shakes. Rumbling builds to a crescendo, and the top 1/4 of the mountain suddenly explodes. Instead of lava or ash, hundreds of WOLVES that are ON FIRE stream out of the new crater, all howling with pain and fear. CUT TO: EXT. LOS ALTOS RESORT - DAY A fancy resort complex, with many young and attractive people hanging around a pool and hot tub. We hear whistling noises followed by a series of bangs. Young people look around, wonder what's going on, shrug. There is a brief pause, and-- WOLVES that are ON FIRE fall from the sky. The attractive young people scream and flail ineffectually. Several of the young men get bitten and savaged. An older manager has his leg torn off by two wolves and dies messily. LINDA LAKE, a cute blonde waitress, has enough smarts to exit the pool, pick up her cellphone, and run away from the wolves. Camera follows her as she dials 911. CLOSE UP on Linda as she runs away. LINDA 911? Yes, there's a bunch of crazy shit happening at the Los Altos Resort. Wolves falling out of the sky and biting people. 911 OPERATOR (indistinct mumbling) LINDA No, I'm not on drugs. Listen, people are getting hurt here! I just.... EXT. TOWN (LUXURY RESORT), WIDE SHOT - DAY Linda reaches the edge of the resort property. We can see the larger town, where there are 5 or 6 flaming wolves falling from the sky into the streets, and we can hear pained howling in the distance. LINDA I can see the rest of the town. Wolves. Wolves everywhere. I think there might be a really big problem here. CUT TO: INT. SEEDY MOTEL ROOM DAVE DELGADO, a 30ish stubbly action hero, is sleeping off a hangover. His cellphone starts tweedling annoyingly. He groans, reaches out, and picks it up. DAVE Whaaaa? DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE (indistinct mumbling) DAVE Wolves? What the hell are you talking about? DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE (indistinct mumbling) DAVE OK. I'll check it out. It's not that far. DAVE hangs up the phone. DAVE I need a damned vacation. CUT TO: EXT. TOWN - HIGHWAY - DAY DAVE, in a late-model sedan, cruises toward the town at a high rate of speed. LINDA, on the side of the road, frantically flags DAVE down. DAVE stops the car. LINDA Help! Wolves! Hundreds of them! On fire! DAVE I heard. Get in, we'll figure this out. LINDA gets into the car. DAVE starts it up. CUT TO: INT. DAVE'S CAR - HIGHWAY - DAY LINDA Who are you, and what are you doing here? DAVE Dave Delgado. I solve problems. And you? LINDA Linda. I was a waitress at Los Altos, and then wolves killed my boss. DAVE Sorry to hear that. LINDA He was a complete bastard. DAVE Then I'm not sorry at all. Er, do you have any idea how all this crap happened? CUT TO: EXT. TOWN ENTRANCE - DAY Dave's car drives into the town. We see more wolves that are on fire falling from the sky. Several houses are on fire as well. Firefighters are attempting to fight the fires while avoiding wolf attacks. INT. DAVE'S CAR - TOWN - DAY LINDA It's probably the mad scientists. Two months ago, they made a rutabaga materialize on the mayor's head while he was giving a speech. The time before that, they turned the state comptroller into a wombat. And they teleported 300 guinea pigs into the... DAVE Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick! How come nobody's ever heard about this or done something yet? LINDA They don't want to discourage tourism? Also the rutabaga thing got tweeted and was famous for like 5 minutes. DAVE Perfect. These guys have an underground lair or something? LINDA I think they lease an office in a strip mall. DISSOLVE TO: INT. LABORATORY CLAYTON is watching a screen intently. CLAYTON Has the media reported on our shenanigans? FRANK No. CLAYTON Why not??! FRANK I think it's because some famous actress's boob fell out of her dress earlier today. We see that FRANK's computer is playing a YouTube video of this event, and FRANK has the player set to "repeat". CLAYTON Worthless! Do they not KNOW what greatness they are experiencing? FREE BEER! And the news outlets focus on tits! What is the world COMING TO? And why do I keep hearing wolves? FRANK (aside) I think you need to switch to decaf, man. EXT. STRIP MALL - DAY Dave's car pulls into the parking lot of a strip mall. We see various business signs including "House of Cheese", "Spatula City", and "The Boring Accountant Store". DAVE and LINDA exit the car. DAVE (pointing at "Boring Accountant") That one? LINDA Probably. We hear wolves howling nearby. DAVE pulls out his 1911 and chambers a round. CUT TO: POV SHOT: DAVE A HUGE WOLF that is ON FIRE charges directly at DAVE, howling like mad. DAVE panic-fires 6 times, missing 4 times. WOLF collapses. LINDA screams in background. CUT TO: EXT. STRIP MALL - DAY DAVE Oh shit. Still-- LINDA Another one! CUT TO: EXT. STRIP MALL (OTHER ANGLE) - DAY Another WOLF that is ON FIRE leaps at DAVE's back. DAVE panic-fires twice, missing then wounding the wolf, and then we hear the "click click" of "no more rounds in magazine". DAVE fumbles for his spare mag and realizes that he forgot it. DAVE Oh shit oh shit oh shi-- CUT TO: EXT. STRIP MALL - DAY A bearded shadow falls across DAVE and the WOLF. Both look at this new arrival, and their jaws drop, because it is CHUCK NORRIS, and he is NOT HAPPY. CUT TO: EXT. STRIP MALL (OTHER ANGLE) - DAY CHUCK NORRIS roundhouse-kicks the WOLF in the face. The WOLF's HEAD EXPLODES. Blood and carnage everywhere. The WOLF's body, which is on fire, lands next to the Boring Accountant Store. CHUCK NORRIS I'm glad I could help you folks out, but I need to be at a charity fundraiser five minutes ago. CHUCK NORRIS winks at LINDA, then flies straight up into the sky. DAVE Um. Wow. LINDA Did you see that? He looked at me! That was more exciting than hugging Nathan Filion!!1! DAVE Er... let's go see if we can solve this whole flaming wolf problem. DAVE and LINDA walk into the Boring Accountant Store. CUT TO: INT. LABORATORY DAVE, with pistol out, enters the lab, frantically covering FRANK and CLAYTON. LINDA remains in the background, unsure of what to do. DAVE Freeze! What the hell is going on here? CLAYTON SCIENCE! We're providing free beer to the citizens via A VOLCANO! Are you not entertained? DAVE Beer? There are hundreds of wolves outside. CLAYTON (turns on FRANK) What??! LINDA edges behind CLAYTON, as she's figured out he's completely unhinged and probably dangerous. FRANK Um. The "beer" disc is right next to the "wolf" disc. There might've been a mixup. CLAYTON You IMBECILE! YEARS wasted! I oughtta... CLAYTON attempts to strangle FRANK. LINDA picks up a nearby table lamp and clouts CLAYTON on the head. CLAYTON falls to the floor out cold. FRANK ...thanks! DAVE Is there any way we can stop this? CUT TO: EXT. STRIP MALL - DAY We see the flaming wolf has set fire to the front of the Boring Accountant Store, and the fire is spreading rapidly. CUT TO: INT. LAB MACHINE ROOM FRANK This is the Volcano Machine. Take a look. DAVE and LINDA look at the shelves full of discs. DAVE Wait. You could create duplicates of famous actresses? You could've used this to make five metric shitloads of money! FRANK The boss wasn't into *sane* science. LINDA I smell smoke. (looks out door) I think the front of this place is on fire. DAVE How can we get rid of the wolves? FRANK They should have internal GPS coordinates, which we can target with something. LINDA rummages through the shelves of discs. LINDA Would this work? LINDA holds up a disc labeled "16-ton weight". FRANK Yes. Let me do the initial programming, and we can run a test before the final-- DAVE The fire's getting worse. Is there a fire exit? FRANK I don't think this place is up to code. I'll go as fast as I can. FRANK pushes the disc into the Volcano Machine, then taps on a keyboard while frowning at a screen. Things spin. Science happens. Techy bleepy noises. LINDA We probably need to get out of here. FRANK The boss's life's work! What about it? DAVE If we don't leave soon, we'll all be dead. CUT TO: INT. LABORATORY Smoke fills the room. Fire is licking at the outer wall. DAVE, FRANK, and LINDA run out of the machine room. DAVE picks up the unconscious CLAYTON. Lots of shouting and coughing. CUT TO: EXT. STRIP MALL - DAY DAVE (carrying CLAYTON), LINDA, and FRANK crash through the front door of the lab, which is on fire. They look at each other, glad to have survived. Then, they hear wolves howling. Three WOLVES appear. The WOLVES snarl and advance on them, and just as they have all given up hope-- There is a bang, a whistling sound, and three 16-TON WEIGHTS fall on the wolves, killing them messily. CUT TO: EXT. TOWN - DAY A lot more 16-TON WEIGHTS are shown falling, followed by brief mournful yips and splats. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. STRIP MALL - NIGHT Firefighters are visible in the remains of the strip mall, making sure everything is out cold. Police are on either side of a now-conscious CLAYTON and are escorting him to a squad car in handcuffs. POLICE OFFICER ...malicious property destruction, grand larceny, illegal use of a volcano, making the Mayor look like an idiot, mail fraud.... LINDA and DAVE are off to one side watching the cleanup. DAVE They owe me a vacation. LINDA I could use one too. DAVE Wanna come along? LINDA and DAVE look at each other, and smile. Camera pulls back and points at the sky, and we go to the... CREDITS (TO BE ARRANGED WHEN WE KNOW WHAT THEY ARE, BUT DEFINITELY INCLUDING) Thanks to: The Internet Fark Ernest Cline The writers of "Sharknado" STINGER EXT. CAMELBACK MOUNTAIN - PHOENIX, AZ - DAY LINDA and DAVE are enjoying a great day out. A storm is coming in from the west. LINDA That was a great hike. DAVE It looks like a storm's coming in though. Rain starts falling, and they look up. Other things are falling as well--big hairy things. They look out, in horror, and we see a title card drop: BABOON MONSOON FADE OUT